


letting everyone down would be my greatest unhappiness

by poisonrationalitie



Category: Counting On (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Femslash February, Mental Breakdown, Religion, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonrationalitie/pseuds/poisonrationalitie
Summary: Lauren knows Kendra can't keep doing this. Kendra doesn't see any other option.
Relationships: Kendra Caldwell/Lauren Swanson
Kudos: 1





	letting everyone down would be my greatest unhappiness

**Author's Note:**

> For Femslash February - Prompt 5: Orange. I feel like I used this prompt a litle loosely, but hopefully it still counts.  
> The title is taken from Marie Antoinette (2006).

“Oh my word, Kendra,” Lauren whispered, halting in the doorway. “What happened?” Never in all her years had she seen anything like it. Not as the eldest of ten. Not as a mother. Not as Josiah’s wife. _Never._ Some sort of demon appeared to have been unleashed upon the cottage. Pulp and pith and peel littered the faux-wood floor, which shimmered ominously. Her eyes flitted upwards to the five messy children in the middle of the room – including Bella, who gasped when she saw her.

“Mommy!” Bella ran across the room on her little legs, and Lauren went to her, meeting her in the middle. She picked up her daughter and hugged her close. Bella’s skin was sticky to the touch, and an orange crust circled her lips. Lauren pressed a kiss to her forehead and Bella giggled.

“What have you been into?” Lauren asked. Bella shook her head. The boys broke into sniggers. Lauren shot Gideon and Garrett the sharpest of looks. Garrett had the sense to go red.

“Where’s your mom?” Lauren asked Garrett.

“Bedroom,” Addison answered helpfully, beaming with her chubby cheeks, pleased to be helpful. She and Bella had identical marks around their lips. Lauren sighed, pinching her forehead with her free hand, and set off down the hallway. As soon as her back was to them, she could hear Gideon and Garrett break into another round of laughter. Bella squirmed in her arms.

“I wanna _play_ ,” Bella said, wriggling furiously. Lauren raised her eyebrows.

“And keep getting yourself messy?” she asked. Bella pouted, and waved an angry hand.

“Addie can play,” Bella whined. Lauren sniffed.

“Fine. Fine. Go play,” she snapped, putting her down. Bella ran back to the living room without so much as a backwards glance. Lauren clicked her tongue. Where was Kendra? How had she let it get to this point? Lauren’s gut twisted. She murmured a prayer under her breath – for what, she didn’t know. Lauren’s shoes clicked on the linoleum. Joe and Kendra’s bedroom door was ajar, and dark, from what Lauren could tell. She put one hand on her hip and rapped on the doorframe with the other. She waited a moment. No answer. She entered.

Kendra was dead to the world, curled up atop the covers of the bed. Her newest baby was asleep next to her. She looked older. Most people looked younger when they slept, but Kendra looked as if she’d aged ten years since she’d been married. Lauren felt sick. She shook herself out of it.

“Kendra!” Lauren hissed, crossing to the bed. She didn’t exactly want to get _on_ it, considering that was where Joe slept, and that was a bit…weird. She awkwardly leaned over, careful not to make contact, and put her hand on Kendra’s shoulder. She shook furiously. “Kendra. Kendra!”

Kendra woke with a start. Her blonde hair was a tangled mess, and dark circles clung to the bags beneath her eyes. Her chin had come up in yellow pimples, and a stained maternity shirt hung from her thin frame. She looked awful. Beautiful, but in awful condition.

“Lauren,” Kendra said, blinking furiously. Then she turned over to look at her baby. “Oh. Oh my. I need to put you in your crib, don’t I?” She winced as she sat up, and very carefully scooped up her child. The baby stirred. Kendra put him back in his crib.

“Are you okay?” Lauren asked, rather stupidly. Obviously not. Kendra ran her fingers through her hair, actually frowning. Lauren stiffened. Kendra Duggar didn’t frown. No way. She was the sweetest of them all, the one they had to strive to be like, the perfect daughter and sister and sister-in-love and wife and mother and aunt.

“I didn’t mean to sleep,” Kendra said shakily, getting to her feet. She clutched the bassinet for support. “I’ve been so tired. I just wanted to lie down.”

“I’m not surprised,” Lauren said, more sharply than she’d meant to. She couldn’t imagine having four kids already. Bella was more than enough. Kendra took a step forward and then put her hand to her temple, groaning slightly. Lauren folded her arms across her chest. “Are you sick?” Kendra’s eyes dropped to the ground.

“I’m pregnant. I was going to tell you all next week.”

“Oh.” Lauren blinked; it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, not really – Kendra was pregnant more often than not. But – she already had four. Garrett was barely four. Her eyes hopelessly moved to the baby in the bassinet. “He’s only five months.” It was so soon. Too soon.

“I know,” Kendra said, in a very small voice. She knotted her fingers beneath her stomach. Lauren stared. It was rude, but she couldn’t help it. She’d never seen Kendra like that. She didn’t think anyone ever had. It hurt, it was an ache in her stomach, a catch in her throat. Kendra gasped suddenly. “Oh, the children. I’m so, so sorry Lauren.” Kendra raced to her vanity and smudged a baby wipe across her chin and hit her forehead with some moisturiser. She tore the hairband out of her hair, knots clinging to it, and quickly reconstructed her ponytail. Orange powder spilled across the dresser, and a makeup brush had fallen to the ground. Baskets of laundry overflowed in the corner of the bedroom.

“Kendra,” Lauren said, hesitating, thinking of what she had to do at home. But it was Kendra. It was Kendra. “You need to sleep. Look, I’ll stay until Joy comes to get Gideon -”

“No, no, no,” Kendra said, hands shaking. Her nightdress fell to mid-calf. She hadn’t shaved her legs in some time, from the looks of it. Not that it mattered, but Kendra never let them get so long. Never. “No, Josiah finishes work at four, Joe’s told me. You need to be there when he arrives home. I’ll be okay – I’ll just – I’ll just – it’ll be okay. Go, Lauren.”

“No!” Lauren said, stepping into the doorway. Why was she arguing the point? Living with Josiah wasn’t that bad anymore. It was fine, actually. Good, sometimes. Bella adored her daddy. Did she have a particular inclination to clean up all the kids and the floor? Not one bit. There was nothing wrong with home, but -

But it was Kendra. She couldn’t leave Kendra like that. Not when Kendra looked up through her lashes, eyes rimmed red, tears shining. It made her heart want to break.

“I need to go check on them. Please,” Kendra said weakly. Lauren swallowed, and stepped to the side. Kendra stumbled down the hall, Lauren close behind. Kendra froze when she saw the damage.

“Oh my,” she said faintly. Lauren stayed behind her, eyes wide, frightened she might actually pass out. “I – they were supposed to be an afternoon snack.”

“I’m sorry Mommy!” Addison said suddenly, running towards them. Her blue eyes were as round as dinner plates, and welled with tears. Kendra put her hand out – Lauren reached for it – and she steadied herself on the wall.

“Could you go get a cloth for me, Addie?” Kendra asked chirpily. “And Garret, could you get the mop?” Kendra took a breath and lifted up her younger daughter, who giggled. Kendra began wiping the little girl’s mouth.

“Bella, go get a cloth too. Help Addison,” Lauren instructed. Bella looked murderous, but followed Addison into the kitchen. Lauren stepped around Kendra. Her smile was wide, but her eyes were wet.

“And Gideon, you’re such a big boy. Do you think you could clean up the orange peels and put them in the garbage?” Kendra asked sweetly. Gideon looked at her.

“No,” he said firmly. Kendra faltered.

“No. I don’t know how. Mommy cleans up.”

“Oh,” Kendra said, sounding slightly strangled. She was dreadfully pale, and trying to bounce her little daughter and keep herself upright. Lauren’s veins burned hot. This was the last thing, the _last thing_ Kendra needed. _God damn you, Joy._ She turned to Gideon.

“Well, you can learn. Pick the peels up with your hands. Put them in the garbage. I’ve seen Evy do it, and she’s only a baby, isn’t she?”

“Yeah,” Gideon said, face darkening.

“And you’re not a baby, are you? You’re a big boy compared to Evy. You can put garbage away,” Lauren said firmly. Gideon kicked one of the peels, and sat down hard on the ground.

“It’s okay,” Kendra squeaked. Lauren looked at her incredulously.

“No, it’s not. Gideon Martyn Forsyth, pick up your trash _now._ ” She wasn’t in the habit of telling other people’s kids off, but this was ridiculous. Gideon whined, but got up and began stomping around, grabbing the orange peels. Lauren raised her eyebrows at Kendra, as if to say, _see._

“Thank you,” Kendra said quietly.

“Why don’t we sit?” Lauren said. She steered Kendra to the nearest couch and sat her down, letting her dawdle the littlest toddler on her lap. Bella and Addison returned, cloths in hand, and Lauren pointed to where they needed to start scrubbing. Once she was satisfied they knew what they were doing, she turned to Kendra.

“You didn’t have to watch them today,” Lauren told her. “I could’ve had Bella and Addie at home.”

“I don’t mind having them here, it’s okay.” Lauren ran her fingers through her hair.

“At least get your sisters to come help you. Kendra, I’m serious. You’re going to have five under five and Addie’s not old enough to help – and Garrett’s not either. Or get Joe to stay home and help.” Joe made her want to punch something. He meant no harm, he never meant any harm, but – how could he let it get like this? Josiah and Lauren didn’t want another blessing right now, and they’d figured it out without doing anything harmful. Was he that dumb?

“I couldn’t do that,” Kendra said, horrified. “He has to work.”

“Jim Bob would look after you. You and Jessa are the show. He doesn’t care about Si and I, but you’ve nearly got Anna beat, he’ll help you.” One child wasn’t enough to win Jim Bob, especially when the fans loathed her and thought Josiah was – not interested in her. Everyone loved Kendra.

“It’s not Joseph’s place to be at home,” Kendra said. “It’s my place. I can’t fail him. I’ve been praying, and God will help me.”

“If God was helping you, he wouldn’t’ve given you another baby!” Or he would’ve given Joseph an ounce self-restraint.

“Children are a blessing!” Kendra rose her voice, which stopped Lauren dead. All the children looked at her. Kendra’s eyes widened, much like her children’s did, and then began to cry. Kendra didn’t yell. Kendra didn’t cry. Kendra smiled and giggled and stayed sweet as pie. Her tears could’ve burst a dam. It took Lauren a moment to shake off the shock. She managed to address the children.

“Why don’t you all go get cleaned up in the bathroom?” Lauren suggested. The children dropped what they were doing and sprinted to the bathroom as quickly as their legs could carry them. Kendra sobbed into her daughter’s hair. Lauren reached out and put her hand on her shoulder, and started to rub circles with her thumb.

“I’m sorry,” Kendra mumbled. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t cry. I shouldn’t yell. Not when I’m so blessed.” She smiled, tears dangling from her upper lip, face red. “God has given me so much,” she beamed, trembling, chest shaking with sobs. Lauren lifted the child off her lap and put her down gently on the floor, before scooting closer to Kendra. She couldn’t tell if the noises Kendra made were giggles or her bawling. Lauren didn’t want to get her shirt wet – it was a nice one – but it was Kendra. Kendra was worth more than her clothes. She wrapped her arms around the other woman and pulled her close, like she did to Bella when she took a tumble.

“It’s okay,” Lauren said, as soothingly as she could, though she suspected it was little help. As Josiah had so kindly told her in one of their first fights after Bella was born, she didn’t have a knack for nurturing. Not like Kendra. “It’s okay. It’s okay to get help.”

“The Lord helps me. The Lord is my sustenance,” Kendra wept. The room smelt of citrus and tears. Lauren took her by both shoulders.

“You need to calm down. You need to calm down, and get help. You can’t keep doing this.”

“I have to.”

“You don’t.”

“I do,” Kendra said, voice cracking. “I do, I do. I have to please Joseph so he doesn’t do what Josh did, and I have to please my daddy and my mom and God and – I – I have to do it, I have to enjoy the blessings God has given me. If I couldn’t handle it, He wouldn’t’ve have blessed me so much.” Kendra gripped her back, digging her nails into the sleeves of Lauren’s cardigan, clinging on for dear life. Her lips were thick with spittle and her face blotchy.

“Kendra, please.”

“And – and – I f-fell asleep, and if something had happened to one of the – the b-babies, or if I’d rolled, or if something had happened to G-Gideon or B-Bella – then – then -” Another round of tears burst out. Lauren rubbed her back like she was a colicky baby. She’d lost weight. There was little fat under Lauren’s fingers, little of anything before. She felt like a little fashion doll. Kendra had been all baby doll looks when Lauren had first met her, with big eyes and cheeks and an ever-present smile. It was gone. She was still gorgeous, but she looked and felt so much older than barely twenty-four. Lauren wanted to cry. It wasn’t fair.

“You’re okay,” she told Kendra, wanting it to be true. _Please, Lord._

“Lauren,” Kendra wailed. Her breathing grew quicker, and shaking so badly that Lauren was starting to shake too. Hyperventilating, Lauren thought. Lily had a tendency to do that sometimes. So did Lauren.

“Kendra,” she said firmly, tightening her grip. Kendra was lost in her sobs. “Kendra. Kendra!” Lauren moved her face closer. “Kendra!” Kendra looked up sharply, ceasing her wails. Their eyes locked. Lauren’s lips were only an inch from Kendra’s. She could see the thin trail of snot beneath her nose. Tears dropped from Kendra’s chin onto Lauren’s hands. Very slowly, Lauren removed one hand from Kendra’s shoulder, and ran a single, soft finger beneath Kendra’s eye, wiping away the wet.

  
“Kendra,” Lauren said softly.

“Lauren,” Kendra said, voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes were so blue. Even crying, even fatigued, even worn down to the nub, she was beautiful. Lauren shut her eyes, and pressed her forehead against Kendra’s.

“Kendra,” she whispered. “You’re going to be okay.”


End file.
